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Mental Masturbatory Abuse should not be confused with:
The unrealistic notion that moderate masturbation is "self abuse".
Mental problems from too much masturbation or overly frequent masturbation.
The following is a very sincere letter that was received from a reader of this project. First he complimented the Confidential Biography website, then went on to tell his secret story. I had no idea what I was in for when I first read it.
"I am past 70 years of age and have had a life-long session
with masturbation. All of it very personal, confidential and carefully hidden!
Therefore, I was very emotionally gripped by your candidness and detailed
explanation of your feelings in
Raw Psychology Sex and Sexuality Project.
Never did I think that I would be privy to such an account, and find that
I wasn't such a "bad, no-good kid" after all. I have never shared my secret
with anyone - not even my wife, to whom I was married for 17 years. She died
of an unexpected illness at age 38. She and I were the same age.
"I began masturbating at such a young age, I cannot
remember how it began. I can remember being chastised by my mother when she
caught me lying in the bath-tub, where I was waiting for her to come and
bathe me. I was vigorously masturbating my stiff little penis, which had
never been circumcised, trying to enjoy a climax before she got there. So
you can see I was VERY young! During the next few pre-school years, she caught
me at it several more times - in bed, in the bathroom, out in the chicken
coop and so forth. She took each opportunity to explain to me that such a
practice was not only sinful, but that it would be the cause of a fellow
growing up to be simple-minded, unable to get married and have a family,
and have to be locked up in an 'insane asylum'. Then one winter morning,
when I was 5 years old, and should have been getting dressed, she caught
me laying behind the big coal-burning heater that warmed our front room seriously
masturbating, with my eyes closed, panting, right at the point of climax!
(my older brother and sister had already left for school) She grabbed my
masturbating hand, jerked me to my feet, whacked my bare behind so hard that
it must have hurt her hand, and taught me a lesson that morning that I never
did forget! Even today, I can hear her words, which I thought about over
and over as I read your descriptive narrative, when she said, "That's the
end! I have warned you time after time about playing with yourself, and what
it would cause! Now, it MUST be stopped, and stopped for good, before you
can ever go to school. Go out to the kitchen and bring me the big butcher-knife!
This is the last time! I AM GOING TO CUT THAT THING OFF!! That is the only
way that you will be able to quit that nasty game, so, to save your life,
it will HAVE TO BE CUT OFF!"
"I immediately collapsed in a heap of fear and
crying. After a long period of pleading, I managed to convince her that I
would never do it again, if she would not cut it off this time. But I never
forgot the lesson - that it was a sinful act; that it was harmful to your
well-being, and that it could only be cured by amputation. I continued to
masturbate through the years, even as you described, but I made sure that
I was never caught again - not by my mother, or by anyone else. I hated myself
for being such a "sinful sissy" that I could not quit, and I watched carefully
for signs of insanity and worried about what would become of me. WWII, in
the Air Corps, I had to sneak around quite a bit to get my satisfactions,
but I managed, and then, after the war, I married, had my first initiatory
experience with REAL sexual fulfillment. I kept on masturbating for
my own pleasure, as well. All the time, thinking that I must be some kind
of a "nut case" and feeling that some day I would have to 'fess up, and pay
the price.
"Then, unexpectedly, my wife had a stroke and
died! With 5 kids to raise, there wasn't much chance of getting married again,
so masturbation was my only outlet. This produced a subconscious guilt-complex
that was beyond understanding. As the years went by, and I had to hide my
secret while all the time having to sexually educate my sons and daughters
as they grew up. Finally, after 10 long years of hating myself for my habit,
I decided that my mother was right, and that I should cure myself. So, after
several weeks of planning, practice, and looking in medical books, I cured
myself of my "nasty" habit. I sharpened the butcher-knife, tied a string
tightly around my soft penis, as close to my testicles as I could get it,
and sliced off my penis! It was quick and neat. After I dropped my severed
penis into a jar of alcohol (to preserve it, and I still keep it as a reminder)
.
"I went to our family Doctor's office, where I
let him trim it, and sew it shut. He inserted a tube into the urinary tract
so it wouldn't heal shut. It took about six weeks to entirely heal. I can
assure you that my mother was right - amputation cures masturbation!! Just
thought that you might like to know what trying to control masturbating led
to, in my case. But had I had the opportunity to read your account before
hand, I would in all probability, still have a penis today and still be
masturbating. I was 48 years old when I cut it off, and I am past 70 now.
You can see it has been a long, long time without any. Funny thing though
- I still have a "wet dream" periodically and there that penis is, long,
stiff, and hard as ever, and just as thrilling a climax as REAL! It would
be nice to know your re-action to my account, as you are the only person
in the world I have told about this. You have permission to add this to your
correspondence page, if you so desire. I would be glad to correspond with
anyone who might care to, as I am now old enough that I have outgrown my
paranoia."
I responded to this gentleman's letter with deep sympathy and thanked him dearly for his honesty and willingness to share. As of October 14, 1999, I am requesting some further information from him that may be added at a later date. I truly appreciate his letter.-- A. Patcher][ In October 1999, I researched quite a bit about masturbation and religion. This letter motivated that because he mentioned that he was taught it was a sin. I wrote an essay on the topic that you might want to investigate: Religion and Masturbation.
SEXUALITY: Virgin
GENDER: Female
TITLE: Curious Amber
I'm terribly sorry you had to go through that. Your mother sounds really mean and scary.When I was 12 I started masturbating. That was the same year my dad overdosed and I told my mom she had to take care of my 4 younger sisters because I was tired of being their mommy. I'm 15 and I'll be 16 in a couple of months. I'm sorry you cut your penis off before you realized it was ok. You mom is a b*tch for brainwashing you like that. I understand why you did it though. Was it a really touch thing to do.. ? Once you did it I bet you felt relieved too.. from the guilt and everything.. Well, I hope your doing ok.. I hope you live forever because you sound like a really nice guy.. lol..
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SEXUALITY: Straight
GENDER: Male
TITLE: Feel for you
This is an incredible story and you have a lot of guts to reveal something so personal. I hope that what you did lifted the burden that you had been carrying for so many years, but it is terrible that you felt you had to do that. It seems like the biggest negative impact that masturbation had was that you felt guilty about it, and that was instilled by your mother. Masturbation is not a dirty thing, we should all enjoy our bodies in every way that we can. Its sad that people are taught that this is a shameful thing. I feel for you man, and hopefully you have lifted a weight by having done this.
SEXUALITY: Bisexual
GENDER: Male
TITLE: Dad's Threat by "Mike"
I began stimulating my dick at an early age. I would even rub my legs together under my school desk to stimulate my prickle. My mom caught me jerking off when I was 12. She was not happy and she told me that she was going to let dad take care of me. Dad came home and mom told him that he was going to have to get me to stop this nasty habit or else. Dad told mom that he would take care of me when he came home from fishing. He drank at least 2 six packs of beer before he came back home. He entered the door drunk but he started up the stairs toward my room. He remembered. He came into my room. I had gone to bed nude as I always did. Dad pulled off the covers exposing me. He pulled out his hunting knife from his belt. He told me that if I didn't stop beating off he was going to cut off my my manhood. I was terrified. I am still afraid that my dad is going to catch me jerking and cut off my dick.
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SEXUALITY: Virgin
GENDER: Female
TITLE: Hot Tub or Not Tub?
I'm sixteen years old now, and masturbate sporadically. Usually, whenever the mood hits me. My mother has yet to catch me, though I know she's probably the wiser to my little habit. I thank her for not using it against me.. I remember though, when we first got our Jacuzzi tub, I would use the jets to finish myself.. She caught me a few times, then, because she would come into the bathroom for the toilet now and then. As would my father due to the smoked glass door on the tub. She threatened me with death if I ever did it again.. And told me that it would mess my body up really bad.. Would damage things.. I'm still a little afraid.. But MAN do I miss those Jacuzzi jets..
SEXUALITY: Heterosexual
GENDER: Male
TITLE: Jeff
This is frightening and disturbing, but I have a feeling that this threat by a mother or maternal figure is common, and it tends to stay rooted a long time. In my case, when I was a preteen, my brother and I were entertaining ourselves one day by making up songs about penises and vaginas, and wagging our penises around. My mother caught us and was livid. She chased us into the living room, swatting at our heads. Oddly, she seemed more offended that we were singing about genitals than playing with them. She cornered us and said, "If I ever hear you singing songs about that again, I'll cut yours off!" My brother and I looked at each other and started giggling. Mom went nuts, and sent us to our rooms. A few minutes later she came in my room and closed the door. She was very angry, and said, "This is the last time. Not only were you using dirty words again, but you laughed in my face. Now pull your pants down." I was used to being spanked, usually through clothing, but occasionally if she was really pissed off, I got it bare. I turned my back to her and stripped down. She grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around. I hadn't noticed this when she came in, but she was holding kitchen shears. She seized my penis and pulled it forward and started yelling. "No spanking this time! I've had it. Your punishment is this!" She pulled me toward her by my penis and placed the open shears over it. "I'm going to CUT your penis OFF!" I started to beg and sob. To my further horror, the fear and adrenaline were causing me to get an erection. Mom just tortured me. "You're not getting out of this! I'm cutting it off. You used dirty words I've told you not to use. Then you laughed in my face. If you didn't want your penis cut off, you shouldn't have laughed at me. Now stop crying and hold still while I'm cutting off your penis." Mom started closing the shears and I screamed, "NOOO!" She finally let my penis go and surveyed my state. I was quivering with fear. She looked at my erection and said, "That's disgusting," and slapped it hard with an open hand before ordering me to dress and leaving. I imagine she inflicted the same threat on my brother too, but we haven't talked about it. Mom threatened to cut my penis off, or someone else's, or just made mention of it on many other occasions, but none as frightening and vividly as this one. I still have occasional panics over it, but mostly have gotten through it. She happened to be psychotic at the time, which I can't blame her for, but it sometimes scares me a little more thinking that in her mental state, she might have been capable of going through with it.
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I have been horrified by what I have read. But it makes me realise I am not alone, althought maybe I have suffered less than some of your writers. I masturbated from a very early age and was caught by my parents on a number of occasions. they would tell me it was evil but give me no explanation why. I was caught showing my penis to an interested girl of my own age and was castigated by my parents without giving me any understanding what I had done wrong. I always thought my father would seem a bit doubtful when reprimanding me, but it didn't stop him from being cruel. My father, who I admire because he through his own efforts, succeded in a professional carear from a deprived upbringing, expected a lot of me. I could never achieve to his pleasing. He made me feel I could never succeed. This resulted in depression from an early age - I am not sure how early. I became diabetic at 21 and was told that a probable reason was stress. So I resolved not to succum to depression and was generally successful. But a few things would still bring me down. It was OK until I was 48 and had risen to some hights in my carear. I became incompetant. This was attributed to stress though work and I was retired on medical grounds receiving a full pension for which I am exceedingly grateful. I think the real reason was due to my wife's attitude to sex. When we first married she was responsive and enthusiastic - even introducing me to new things. But suddenly, out of the blue, she decided that sex was revolting. I tried to find out what the problem was, but she could or would not speak. Shortly before I retired I discovered she was masturbating every night. This was exiting because I realised she must still be a sexual animal. She totally denied doing so, so I realised she was doing it while asleep. Sometimes her orgasms were quite violent! I contented myself by resting my hand on her finger while she was rubbing herself and it gave me some satisfaction.
Despite my wife's behaviour, I shall always love her. But my depression is now rather acute and I did go through a suicidal phase - I am over that now, but I am not happy. I should add that my diabeties has now rendered ne impotant! But I would still wish to satisfy my wife and fondle her if only she were reponsiuve. I just do not understand.
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I must admit that my mother never threatened to cut off my penis for abusing myself, but she had her ways of humiliating me for performing the practise. Being I was born in 1948 & raised thru the moral fifties, masturbating was still often viewed as a taboo. There were three incidences that I went thru, not all related to self abuse as it was still so often refered too, that still make me wonder in disbeleif about the sexual norms/ignorence of that time. At the tender age of nine during my 3rd grade word leaked out that we as pertaining to me & my playmates had dirty magazines in our tree fort that my friends dad had built for us. None were found upon investigation by his parents but the story seemed credable enough that we were all grilled about it. My friend steve spilled the beans. Two playboy magazines were discovered in the back of the wood bin next to our tree fort where we hid them. For lieing to her, my mother made me drink a glass full of urine for my punishment. I was also grounded for a week & had to go to bed after my homework was completed. Later that year I was personally caught with a neighbor's daughter in their garage playing doctor & was soundly strapped across my buttocks/thighs(could not sit down or go to school for three days!!) for it as well as grounded for three weeks. The girls parents raised quite a ruckus over it all as if it was all my fault(it was not!)& other than seeing her in school never was allowed around her again. The first time I was caught abusing myself was just after Christmas vacation during forth grade. This was not the most physically painfull punishment I received as a young man but was CERTAINLY the most humiliating. Wednesday was rummy afternoon for my mother & several of her ladie friends, & my mother made sure I was there to amuse her friends. I spent that afternoon answering the door, running erands into the kitchen for them, all with very light weight feminine pink colored gloves on my hands. My mother had a big jewelery box that she used to house cigarettes on the table directly in front of the sofa & surrounded by easy chairs, that opened up with pop up boxes that swung out to both sides of the opened lid & several pull out drawers that contained a variety of brands of cigarettes as she was quite the hostess. As she & her friends lounged around the front room before the game started, I picked out of the cigarette box the particular brand of cigarette each of her friends requested me to fetch for them to smoke. This was the days of non filtered cigarettes, Herbert Tareytons, Pall Malls, Dominos, Kool Cork tipped, Chesterfields, Raleighs, Camels, Luckys, Philip Morris & others. Of course when I handed them the cigarette of there request it was always offered with a pink glove. As I remember her friends seemed a little tight about this at first, till one of them commented about my gloves, then snickered & started laughing sheepishly then all seemed to lose their tightness & had quite a good time asking me about why I was so fortunate to be wearing such lovely gloves when I brought them their requested brands of cigarettes. This was truly worse than a whipping or even a warm glass of urine, putrid as that was. Times change & reguarding sexuality/ masturbation, I can only wish it had happened before I was born!
I was born in the mid 40s and went through the moral fifties of sexual ignorance. I was caught by my mother, as I played with my stiff little penis, several times as a young child and was severely chastised each time I was caught. She would preach at me about the evils and sinfulness of masturbating, and that it would make me mentally ill. My mother would lay a real guilt trip on me and though I tried to stop masturbating I couldn't which made me feel even more guilty about it. I was uncircumcised and sliding my foreskin up and down my stiff little penis felt real good. After I would have my little orgasm the guilt would be there to make me feel like such a sinner for making my penis feel so good. I worried and fretted about my sinful masturbation habit for years. I even thought about cutting myself off to stop my masturbation. Then I read that masturbation was normal and healthy. I can identify with the gentleman that started this thread and feel so sorry and sad that his guilt lead him to maiming himself. I now enjoy masturbating without the guilt and do it everyday and some days do it two or three time in one day. being I'm at the age I am I don't always have an orgasm, but I still do enjoy masturbating.
I grew up in a foster home with several other boys and girls. My foster mom beat us, in front of the others, when she caught us masturbating or even if she thought we were masturbating. I have never let anyone see my penis because of the scars that are still very noticeable. I rarely masturbate but when I do I am still scared that someone will find out.
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i looked up the sin of masturbation vs fornication, and found your editorial. as a child (between age of 4-5yrs) i was sexually abused as a child by a female. it consisted of being spanked and touched on my private part during the spanking. all this being done while in front of two vanity mirrors.this happened often until i turned 6yrs old. as an adult, i have been married three times and have never shared this part of my past with any of my past spouses.i am now single and i do masturbate, yet i feel guilt in regard to the mental images that i create while masturbating in that it always includes my being spanked by an older male and then sexually taken by him. i fear sharing this part of my desires with any new person in my life as i don't wish to be mentally or emotionally abused upon revealing this part of my inner self. so i have chosen to masturbate. yet, i feel a great release of tension after i masturbate, but i still feel guilt afterward. what should i do? if both masturbation and fornication is considered a sin, what is the answer for me. i do not wish to mutilate my body to stop this practice.
Since I was very small I was leaving with my Aunt which was a very strict and religios person. At about age 8 I have been caught by my Aunt masturbating a couple of times, for which I got spanked so I did my best to stop. The big changed started after I was caught by her masturbating while wearing one of her panties. Since then many things in my life changed. She of course punished me in various ways, preaching to me that god will punish me and spanking me severly. At the same time she has started manipulating and abusing me in all kind of ways. She forbiden me to masurbate unless I got her permision, she had a small utility room in the house where she would 'interogate' me to confese in wanting to masturbate, if I did not confece she would beat me up, using a small woden stick dircetly under my balls. I was standing there nakes where I had to say I wanted to masturbate, asking god forgivness and being beaten by her. She then said that it is disgusting and big sin against god. She then took a pair of her panites which she forced me to wear and while spanking me she forced me to masturbate and ejaculate in her panites, while she is telling me how bad I am and comanding me to cum into her panties. It was very confusing beacuse I have enjoyed thus very much while it was also very humiliating and painfull at the same time. This became a regular Sunday ceremony. In time she has started forcing me to wear full girls clothes for the ceremnoy, beating became stornger, she was calling my all kind of names and from time to time said that only by turning me to a girl cutting of my malehood would stop thes sins and prevent me from going to hell. This became very real to me when one day she brough someone she has introduced as a special doctor to examine me and to cure me from my ilness. This so call doctor appereantly was a female friend of my Aunt who played the game very well and frighented me very much by stating that the only way to cure me is to cut everything off. I had to dress as a girl, to stand in front of both woman and to masturbate, while being spanked by my Aunt. Till today I need to be spanked in while masturbating in order to relieve myself. I have trying therapy but it was not successfull.
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